Thursday, October 16, 2014

Struggling

Ok so therapy is fucking hard!

I'm struggling on multiple levels... I'm bored at work cause I dont know what I'm supposed to do while waiting for the reorganization to be over...

I also feel totally disconnected from work. I look around and see people chasing their tails and I just feel so slow compared to them. Reminds me of the Matrix. I've seen the other side and they don't... and I've made the decision of not going back to that disconnected fast paced world. I just don't know where I'm supposed to go from here.

Also pretty upset/stressed and very anxious about the stepdaughter moving back in with us. There haven't been any serious talks and she hasn't told her dad yet but every time she comes she's working on cleaning up her room and told her mom she wants to repaint it (I really don't wanna pay for that since she had already picked the actual colors but in my generous way told my partner that I might pay half but no more?!?)

I feel like everybody just wants me to fix myself so that they can all go back to whatever they were doing before I moved in. I feel it's all up to me to grin and bear it so that everybody but me will be happy.

Can't seem to be able to breathe deeply since then. I will like I'm on death row just waiting for the unavoidable to happen.

So my training sucks and I'm eating junk to try to feel normal.

My partners bday is coming up and all I feel like doing is curl up in a ball and cry until I fall asleep hoping to wake up in 5 years...

After venting at the therapist, next week we'll explore where that pain is coming from... fun fun :(

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Cool rainbow

Some more chaos

No motorcycle :( my friend had an accident with it this morning. Thank goodness he's ok (only minor scrapes and muscle soreness)

But his motorcycle isn't. Bent handlebars (which he just changed!) Gear shifter ripped off and some scratches...

So I'm pretty bummed. Still no news about the stepdaughter situation. I guess she's still evaluating the pros and cons.

I'm not that excited about the weekend since all the kids are supposed to come over for thanksgiving. I like them individually but all together they have this weird super hyper energy that drains me out.

I miss my ex... a lot... especially when I'm triggered with blended families stuff. No clue if my ex has kids now but she didn't when we were together! Lol

It bugs me that I still miss her. I mean can I even still consider her an ex? It's been what at least 8 years if not 9...

It might also be a Scorpio thing... missing the one who got away.

I dunno... pretty sure I'd miss my current partner if I wasn't with her anymore... especially all those awesome intimate moments without the kids lol

Monday, October 6, 2014

Wha?!?!?!?!

Stuff keeps happening lately...

Saw the trainer today, gained 5 lbs instead of losing 4... oh well

I was pretty happy with my workouts but knew my food wasn't anywhere near optimal. (Saw "Fed up" documentary this weekend and I think cutting sugar off is the next step for me)

Had a breakthrough last time step daughter came over so that was nice. Wasn't able to talk to my therapist about it yet cause she cancelled on me (she was sick).

Had a setback during a family dinner for my dad's bday... can't wait to talk about that as well.

And yesterday I find out that the stepdaughter is strongly considering moving back with us. Not sure I'm ready for this... Not sure I have the option to wait since it's pretty crazy at her dad's.

So yeah can't wait to see my therapist!!

And I feared I wouldn't know what to talk about....

Work is boring while waiting to know what my official functions will be (I have several coworkers and friends in the same situation) so can't say I'm very motivated lately...

Thank goodness we have a long weekend coming up :D

That's it for now, my arms are killing me from my new workout lol

Friday, October 3, 2014

Almost done

Soooooo congested! Missed work yesterday cause I had slept about 3 hours the night before.

Slept most of the day yesterday and still went to bed exhausted...

Today I feel better though so I'm hoping to have more energy this weekend.

Tired of the post nasal drip thingie... and the blocked sinuses...

Didn't go to the pool this morning. Still not sure about dry land + swim practice tonight.

Tomorrow we're heading downtown cause my gf is meeting up with a friend of hers and her anxiety is preventing her from driving there alone. So I'll see if there's a gym nearby and I'll go for a workout while she's catching up with her friend.

Stepson finished is 4 days fast today. Happy we're done bringing him water. I love him and all but my partner and I feel that we've done enough for him so that next time he needs to find his own support crew instead of always relying on us...

Not much new besides that... motorcycle babysitting starts at the end of next week do I'm hoping the weather will be nice.

The trip to Florida is fast approaching so I'm getting excited!

And I just bought a new battery for the heart rate monitor if my Garmin and I find that exciting as well (insert your "you're a fitness freak when..." here ;))

I'm totally excited by the new garmin 920 I think? Dunno when I'll have the money for it but I want I want!!!!!!

Yeah I'm a technology freak... *bigbabypouts* I waaaaaaaaaant!!   

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Still sick-ish

Tired of being congested and being sleepy but overall I'm doing pretty good. Managed to go to the dry land + swimming practice Friday evening, 9k hike sat, took it easy Sunday but went swimming Mon.

I skipped the gym today but plan to go swim tomorrow so not bad at all considering I'm sick.

I want to do more though. I've been reading Shane Niemeyer's book and it's really motivating me to push myself more and stop having excuses.

I see my trainer next week and I'm not sure I've done enough to be under 240... I know it's just a number and my therapist is a big fan of healthy (or is it fit?) at every size but I really wanna get under 200!

That + Shane's book is getting me thinking about doing triathlons again (thinking about doing it again, not doing it again since I've never done one!)

Let's get this done!

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Still sick btw

Didn't make it to the pool this morning but had a great 9k walk in the mountains yesterday. :)

Will see what I come up with to keep my streak going (I think I'm at 86 days now!) :) 

Woohoo!

Booked my flight back from Florida! :D

My parents took me up on my offer to drive down to their mobile home in Florida with them, stay a couple of days and then fly back home.

It's going to be fuuuun!

Nothing beats making fun plans when you're lacking motivation a bit... :)

Friday, September 26, 2014

Tough week

Now I know why I was so sluggish at swim practice Wednesday.

I'm starting a cold :(((

This week has been very challenging on several levels. Being tired from a lack of sleep on top of that I guess it makes sense that I got sick. I can't even remember the last time I was sick... it's pretty rare now that I eat better + workout.

I'm hoping I'll be able to make it to the dry land + swim practice tonight but I'm not holding my breath. Perhaps if I can squeeze in a power nap.

Besides that not much... I'm not very motivated at work but still manage to get a lot done. Tomorrow I'm heading to my folks' for my dad's bday supper. We'll also discuss how to schedule theit drive down to Florida in order for me to be able to go with them. That'll be a nice break :)

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Old habits die hard

So I think my therapist is attractive... wouldn't you want to have the painful truths she tells you to be candy coated?

I know I do! ;)

So there I said it... :p

Getting better

Managed to go swim yesterday and go for a 5k run/walk with my partner this morning so I'm happy!

Our guest is leaving tonight. Although I feel their pain as I've had my share of long distance relationships, I'm looking forward to going back to our normal routine.

Had a huge session with the therapist yesterday. I'm still a work in progress but that session really meant a lot to me and has made me fully trust her and her competency. :)

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

frustrating week

So haven't done much this week. I did go swim on Sunday so that was great.

The rest of the week fell flat so far thanks to the step-son who lives with us and his English gf... Neither of them works or studies, so they're partying it up before she flies back to the UK.

They come back home at every hour of the night so my partner and I have a hard time sleeping. So the 5am wakeup call goes unanswered!

She's nice and all, but she and the step-son clearly are not mature enough to make compromises that would be suitable for everybody. And they don't have enough cash to rent a hotel room in order to do whatever they want whenever they want. (although contrarily to their beliefs, hotels also have rules... :P)

so yeah, I'm now counting down the days until she leaves! (2 more nights!!)

Besides that I feel good, really wanna try to save this week cause I've been doing great so far and I really wanna reach my goal of being under 240 when I see my trainer in 2 weeks.

In other news, my dad's bday is this week so will try to take it easy on the cake ;) he's starting off the bday season as after him it's my partner, then me, then her 3 kids... lots of cake! ;)

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Not too shabby

This week has been pretty good so far. I got up at 5 am everyday except this morning. Went to the pool twice and the gym once.

Last night my partner said she'd come to the gym with me this morning but today she changed her mind. And I did the same... oh well my knee was a bit sore so I guess a little break ain't too bad.

Back to the pool tomorrow morning + we will attend the masters' dry land session tomorrow night.

It's really fun to start being more and more active. I have no scale at home so won't find out my weight before my next appointment with the trainer and I like it that way. But I can tell that my body is changing and it's awesome!

Set clear goals with my therapist so I'm excited about that as well. Although I gotta say I've got my work cut out for me! She said not to worry about how we'll get there so I'm trusting her to bring me to destination!

Saturday, September 13, 2014

oh boy!

So I was sore all week from seeing my trainer on Monday!

I did manage to head to the gym close to my house at 6am Friday morning though :) next week my partner and I will be swimming 3-4 times a week. so I'm looking forward to that.

I plan to wake up each morning at pretty much the same time (5ish!) except on Saturday which shall be my sleeping in day (no alarms) and on Sunday maybe waking up at 6 to make it for the morning swim on Sunday mornings.

I'm always a bit nervous about going to a new place for the first time so I was nervous yesterday morning. but I quickly figured out how to do my regular workout with their weights and all that so I'm pretty happy.

seeing the trainer back in a month... aiming to be under 240lbs by then :)

oh and in other great news, it'll be 1 year since we sold our car! (I don't have the exact date but could prolly find out by looking through paperwork but who cares really?!?) a friend of ours is going to leave her car at our house for a couple of weeks while she's away... + I guess I did a good job babysitting my coworker's motorcycle cause he asked me to take care of it for 2 weeks in october :D

with new wheels and handlebars :))) it'll be a bit cold but I'm looking forward to it :D

this morning we went with Hector (our trusted bike trailer) to do our groceries about 15km away. At the beginning of the summer I was pulling empty Hector there while my partner was pulling full Hector back home but now I've finally managed to be stronger than my partner (although I must say in her case she has stronger leg muscles than me, but her joints are limiting her a bit). This morning she pulled empty Hector there and I pulled a fully loaded Hector back home!

We got back home just as the rain started and it's been raining hard all day afterwards so it felt good to take it easy at home sipping a cup of hot chocolate after doing our morning workout :))

so yeah, easy day tomorrow with laundry and a visit to the gym... will see if I can manage to head out for a run as well. my goal is to become a fitness freak (sorta! lol) so I can finally reach a healthier weight.

I'm pretty much done the introductions with my therapist. Next week we'll set clear goals together so I'll have a better idea of how she can help me.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

baaaaaaaah

going back to work tomorrow... I don't wannaaaaaa!

It'll be nice to catch up with my coworkers and all, but I really looooooved my time off! I think it's the best vacation I've ever had!

We finished the week by doing a roadtrip to Niagara Falls. It was a lot of fun. :)

I did manage to get my 8k Fuelpoints/day for a week so I'm pretty excited!

Looking forward to seeing my trainer tomorrow and refocusing on numbers. My partner and I are also refocusing on finance numbers as we once again fell off track in our project to become financially independent. And now that we've had a glimpse of how life could be if I wasn't working 5 days a week, we want more!

We'll look into meeting with a financial planner soon in order to have a better action plan.

Still haven't started the your body is your own gym thingie yet, prolly this week.

The pool starts again next week, we'll try the early bird session (in the water at 6am!) we'll see how that goes!

so yeah, I'll go sulk the rest of the day away :( lol until next vacation! :D

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I'm terrible at this!

but here I am!

week 2 of my 3 weeks vacation and I have to say, it's been the most active vacation of mine in I believe forever!

wanted to use my time off to win some trophies I didn't have on Nike Plus with my Fuelband and so far so good! :)

managed to earn 6k Fuelpoints all week last week so that gave me a trophy. This week I'm aiming at 8k all week. Already got 2 days with 10000 Fuelpoints which were my very first and second time ever! :D so new trophy for 10k, working on another trophy for a full week at 8k or over.

so yeah, running almost every day + biking and walking sometimes. so I'm pretty dead at the end of the day. lol

saw my therapist a couple of times and we're still in the "getting to know each other" phase so I'll see how my therapist really is after that... so far it's ok, just feels good to be able to vent to someone without fearing judgement or worrying about creating a conflict.

I'm a bit worried about how I'll manage to stay as active once I get back to work. I know it'll be different but I can't say I'm looking forward to how challenging it's going to be. I'm slowly working my way on being able to bike to work. I'm aiming for next summer.

I see my trainer on my first week back at work and I can't wait. I'll ask him to tell me my weight this time cause I really wanna focus on getting under the magic number where my life insurance is applying a surcharge because they say I'm too fat! pffff

My personal doctor is finally back from mat leave... so I managed to get an appointment for my annual exam which didn't happen this year... appointment is for january! only good news about that is that it's giving me more time to get as close to 200lbs as I can if not under.

I'm pretty sore from all the activities, but I'm getting more used to it and I can finally see myself being that active and reclaiming my body, my health, my fitness.

will try to post again soon to talk about my new favorite book : "Body by you" by Mark Lauren which is precisely what I needed in my path of being gym-free and use own body exercises. :)

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Nothing like

Missy Higgins music to bring me back to my trip to Australia :)

It was so long ago. I had such a blast. Hope I'll get the opportunity to go back someday

1 day left!!

Yes I'm excited!

So excited that I left home to bike to the train station without my bike lock lol

Didn't have time to go back home so I pretended to lock my bike with a lock thats been tied to the bike rack forever. I just got the lock through my front wheel and around my water bottle rack and then I texted my partner asking if she could do me a huge favor by biking to the train station to lock my bike lol

Super busy day but I got over it. Tomorrow morning will be busy but will be coasting after that cause every assignment will be met with : "is it something that I can do today?" If not, "can it wait 3 weeks?" And if not then I'll gladly transfer it to someone else :)

Very tired lately. Not sure I got over the exhaustion of my first one on one therapy session. Looking forward to the other ones especially since I won't have to work afterwards!

Really not looking forward to the kids being back tomorrow. I know it's selfish but I wish I could have taken my vacation earlier. Since I was the last one I ended up with what was left with the consequence that the kids will be done working at camp.

OK so it's not all bad. Only one lives with us now and he has a bunch of plans that might mean he's going to be away for most of my vacation. I do love him a lot and wouldn't hesitate to give my life for his but when he's around he just does whatever he wants whenever he wants so that means loud music, playing video games or piano or having loud friends over whenever when its not being loud coming back home in the wee hours of the morning or getting lucky... so I don't really fell like I'm home...

Oh well let's not anticipate too much lol

I already know I'll most likely go for a run or to the gym when they get home to leave them the whole floor to tell their tall tales to their mom.

Yeah sometimes I do wish I was single or with a partner who doesn't have children. Hopefully it's not too often and doesn't last too long.

Home stretch!

I'm on my way to work. Only today and tomorrow left before 3 weeks off so I'm pretty excited.

Ran 3 miles Tuesday (the Nike plus running app doesn't seem to allow you to switch to km :()

Also had my first session with the therapist. It went well. I cried most of the session but it felt good to release all that, to be able to talk to someone without fear of judgement.

The first 2-3 sessions are spent getting to know me. After that she'll tell me what she sees and we'll discuss what we want to work on.

It made me realize I'm pretty isolated. Ever since I've stopped organizing things to see my friends nobody has taken over so I'm not seeing anyone. I'm not sure if it's me or if I just can't seem to be able to find good friends. (As in people willing to come see me instead of always being me who goes out of my way to see them)

Sure I've got a couple of coworkers I see outside of work for a happy hour once in a while but nothing else. Makes me miss my messageboard/chatroom/Paltalk days a bit...

The motorcycle will change that a bit next year since I'll be able to plan rides with a couple of coworkers.

Feels good to start being active again. I'm planning to kick it up a notch or two during my vacation hoping some of it will stick once I go back to work...

The kids are coming back from camp tomorrow. Not really looking forward to that. They're always hyper and loud and as usual I'll just have to find a corner to hide in so the one who ates me doesn't get too annoyed by my presence.

I'm pretty fed up with that arrangement and ended up being pretty vocal about it last time. My partner is finally getting ready to have serious talks with her kids. I'll see where I go from there. It's hard cause I just wish I never saw the one who hates me ever again but that's not going to happen. And even if that one started being nice to me I still wouldn't want a relationship with that one. So there's no way out really and it's frustrating.

And no, we didn't even get to that discussion with the therapist. But she knows I struggle with one of the stepchildren and it's a source of conflict with my partner. So we'll get to it eventually.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

1 week left!

Before my vacation! Can't wait!!

Yesterday my partner and I biked over 50k to visit my parents. We slept there and biked our way back home today.

Went very well considering we took turns pulling Hector but we're pretty tired today!

Got my laundry done so the rest of the day will be spent resting so I can survive my week at work lol

Tuesday night I went to the Rogers Cup to see Genie Bouchard's homecoming. Too bad she lost but the night was full of action as they had a major power outage so it was old school tennis with no scoreboards, no replays, no mic working for the ref! Lol

Fighting the urge to nap to catch a glimpse of Venus and possibly Roger's match.

I wanna start running regularly again this week. Got my eye on 3 Nike fuel trophies I'd like to get my hands on during my vacations :)